


i love when you call unexpected

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: ....well, F/M, Phone Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, from this moment on i will end all fics with ‘AND THEN THEY BANG’, in which a threesome is implied, not really - Freeform, porn with timey wimey shenanigans, there’s a phone and there’s sex, what more could you ask for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 04:48:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15744591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: Their kiss turns slow, their lips parting and meeting again as they attempt to catch their breaths. There’s a small, satisfied smile on her face and he knows that although he’s in a lot of trouble for interrupting an important call he isn’t going to be paying for it for a long while - and who knows, he might even enjoy his punishment.He drops his forehead against hers, pressing a small kiss to the apple of her cheeks as he whispers breathlessly, “Hi honey, I’m home.”She lets out a throaty laugh and shakes her head, her eyes shining brightly. His hands reach up to cup her cheek as he presses his lips firmly to hers, kissing her as thoroughly as he can. She leans into the kiss, throwing her arms around his neck and sighing happily into his mouth.When they part, she smiles even wider as he waits for her to greet him as she always does, because two months without hearing her say those words - two months without hearing her say anything at all is two months too long.“Hello, sweetie.”





	i love when you call unexpected

“I’d love to follow you, Amy and Rory to Space Florida, Doctor.”

The Doctor resisted the urge to jump for joy at River’s agreement. Ever since their little kiss in  Stormcage happened he found it was quite difficult to look River in the eye without  remembering how she’d kissed him exactly the way he liked. How she pulled him closer as naturally as breathing, how her tongue  seeked his out like she’d done it a million times before, how her lips moved under his like she’d spent her entire life kissing him - and how naturally  _he_ had responded to  _her_.

As if he just couldn’t help himself, he had kissed River Song as if he’d done it his entire life. Given River’s time-travelling capabilities and her tendency to carry around hallucinogenic lipstick, he was almost positive he  _had_.

Still, he couldn’ t help but seek her out as soon as possible. 

“I’ll send you the coordinates now, shall I?”  He asked, trying to contain the excitement in his voice. Space Florida was full of hot springs and private  jacuzzis \- if the Ponds want some time alone that would mean he’ll be with  _River_. Maybe she would be willing to kiss him again - longer this time, and he wouldn’ t run away because he’d be  _expecting_ it. A little giggle escaped his lips.

“No, no, sweetie,”  she paused a little and a noise on the phone made it sound like she was struggling against something. A small crease appeared in the Doctor’s forehead.

“River, are you alright?”  He asked.

“I’m fine, just -” her breath hitched a little and the frown on his face deepened. “A little out of breath at the moment -” her breath hitched again and the Doctor couldn’t help but feel the concern creep up slowly on him. Though he knew that River could handle herself when she needed to, that didn’t stop him from being worried about the kind of situations she got herself into from time to time.  

“ River?”

“ Can I call you back later?”

“Sure, would you like me to -” but the dial tone already sounded. 

Huh.

*

_ 200(ish) years later _

The Doctor steps out of the Tardis and smiles at the  familiar place that greets him. It’s been a while since he’s stepped foot in Luna University and he’s quite missed the place. Or, more accurately, he misses seeing a certain  _someone_ who lives here.

He walks the familiar pathway to his wife’s office. It’s  been entirely too long since he’s seen River, and he’d made the decision to seek her out right as an invasion was happening on Earth. But once the cubes were all cleared up and locked away, he could finally see River again. 

Two months. The Doctor lets ou t a long sigh. He’s got to stop putting off visits with River.

He arrives at the door to her office and sees that it’s  slightly ajar - unusual, but not greatly so. He enters her office and shuts the door behind him quietly, turning to face her. 

The smirk that appears on his lips is sinful and full of promises. He’d been expecting to find his wife preoccupied with some mundane task like marking essays or planning lectures, but instead he found her standing against her desk, back to him, speaking quietly into the phone. She doesn’t acknowledge his presence though he can tell she’s aware that he’s here. He can tell by the way a little tension seeps out of her frame as she leans back against the table and the way she turns her head to the side just a little.  He leans against the doorway, letting his eyes rake over curves he hasn’t seen in far too long.

She’s still talking quietly into the phone but he can tell she’s rushing through whatever she’s saying. She removes the glasses sitting on her nose and bites the tip of it, and he swears she’s doing it on purpose because River doing  _that_ should be illegal in every single galaxy. 

The room is suddenly too hot to breathe in and he pulls and tugs at his collar, loosening it up a little. River doesn’t say  anything but she doesn’t have to - her eyes flicker over her shoulder as she turns her head to look at him, a small smirk playing on her face. Well, if she wants to play that game then - challenge accepted. The Doctor raises an eyebrow as he takes in her figure again, his smirk even bigger now as he takes in her skirt - knee-length and tight fitting. 

The Doctor steps forward then, approaching her from behind as silently as he can. He knows that no matter how quiet his footsteps are River will never be surprised by him, not when she’s at this age.  So when he reaches for her, cupping her behind lightly with his large hands as he presses his body against hers, neither her voice nor her body betrays a hint of surprise. She immediately relaxes against him, leaning her head on his shoulder and tilting her head up to offer him a warm smile.

“How long has it been for you?”  He whispers in her ear, lips brushing against her neck as she tilts her head further to the side to allow him more access. 

His hands move over her hips, slipping under her blouse to  carress the skin there. He feels goosebumps erupt where he touches her, and when his eyes slip back to her face he sees that her bottom lip is caught between her teeth.

“Too long, then.” He smiles, his lips trailing down to the pulse point on her neck, his tongue darting out to taste her skin. She continues to converse with the person on the other end of the line, letting him continue his assault on her neck. 

His hands travel further up her body, fingers tracing a round the edges of her bra. River’s free hand grasps both of his tightly, her eyes flashing a little in warning as she hisses,  “Doctor, don’t you dare.”

“Tell me to stop, and I will.”He challenges, his teeth scraping gently across the spot he damn well  _k_ _nows_ renders her speechless and he smirks as she sighs, losing concentration for a few moments.

“That’s not fair, and you know it.”  She bites out. Her eyes widen a little as she presses the phone more firmly against her ear and says hurriedly, “I’m fine, just -”  she cuts off abruptly again and makes a small noise from the back of her throat as he continues pressing kisses along her jaw.  “A little out of breath at the moment -”

This time the Doctor forgoes all pretense of taking it slowly and presses his  lips to hers, smirking at the way she responds to him immediately. She lets out a small moan of pleasure before she shoves him away and tightens her grip on the phone, glaring up at him in warning. She’s not angry - not  _really,_  because if she was there would be a whole lot of cursing and he would most definitely be back  in the Tardis by now. The most telling sign that she isn’t actually angry is that his hands are still on her and she hasn’t attempted to break his fingers yet, so the Doctor does what he always does to River in situations like these - he touches her. 

His hands trail up her back slowly, languidly as she says quietly into the mouthpiece,  “Can I call you back later?”

Without waiting another second, the Doctor plucks the phone out of her hands and places it back on the receiver. River turns frustrated eyes on him as he twirls her around and presses her stomach into the desk.

“Doctor,” she hisses, glaring at him. “That call was _important_. ” 

“Not as important as this,” he whispers, mouthing at her collarbone. 

She turns her head to argue a little more but he captures her lips in a kiss. The Doctor is rarely so passionate, kissing her thoroughly as he moans in pleasure, low and throaty that River feels herself melting ag ainst him easily, her hands coming up to cup his face gently. He pulls away, both of them panting breathlessly and she raises her eyebrows in question.

“Two months,”he explains softly, resting his forehead against hers.  “I’ve missed you, wife.”

“Oh, Doctor,”  she says, her eyes moving over his face slowly,  “You old sap.”

He grins, tugging her skirt up over her hips roughly.

“Oh,” he says, surprised when his fingers encounter cotton instead of bare flesh. “You’re actually wearing knickers this time.” 

“Trust me, I wouldn’t have bothered if I’d known you were coming,” she says, as he toys with the band of her underwear. She presses her backside into his hips urgently, growling, “Take them _off_ , Doctor.” 

“Always so impatient, Professor Song,”  he whispers in her ear lazily, pulling her knickers down where it tangles around her knees.

She whimpers as his fingers dance along her heat, teasing her tenderly as she lets her eyes fall shut. She braces her arms on the desk and leans her weight down on it as his fingers  move faster, stroking her longer until she moans.

“Doctor,”  she says breathlessly, letting out a soft sigh as his thumb strokes over her clit,  “Doctor, sweetie, please.”

He hums a little, his other hand moving over her back to push her hair to one side , leaving part of her neck bare to him. He lets two fingers enter her easily and she gasps softly as he presses his mouth into the curve of her neck. 

“I’ve missed this, River,”  he whispers against her skin. He adjusts himself a little, withdrawing his hand from under her skirt. She lets out a soft moan of protest as he pins her more securely against the table, letting his other hand cup her breast through her bra.

“Tell me,”  she whispers throatily as he wraps his arm around her stomach and lets his  fingers enter her again. She grasps the table harder, her nails digging into the wood. She’ll no doubt leave marks that he’ll get blamed for when all this is over but he doesn’t care in the slightest because he has River right where he wants her. 

“All the usual things,”  he says idly, groaning quietly as he starts to move his hips against her arse. He thumbs her nipple as his teeth tugs at her earlobe and relishes the little sigh that escapes her.  “Touching you. Teasing you.”  He  pauses a little, letting his voice drop low in the way she likes as he continues,  “Making you  _beg._ ”

His hips give a harder thrust as he says that and she moans,  _loud_ , and as automatic a reaction can be, his hand moves to cover her mouth before he remembers they aren’t exactly in public.

“I didn’t lock the door,”  he tells her softly, and she grins a little against his fingers.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,”  she quips, her voice slightly muffled from his palm but he hears her loud and clear. His fingers slide under her jaw to turn her head towards him.

“Have we done this before?”  He asks, his eyes wide and  hopeful.  “ _Here_ , I mean?”

She raises her eyebrows a little before that  _devious_ little smirk that he’ s missed so, so much crawls over her face and she drops her voice the way she al ways does as she says,  “ _Spoilers_. ”

“God,”he whispers, unable to resist the happiness that springs into his hearts at the word.  “I’ve missed you so much, River.”

He doesn’t give her a chance to reply - he presses his lips to hers urgently, kisses her as  thoroughly as he can as his fingers continue moving inside her.

“We really should get the door though,”  he says once they part, his free hand reaching for his sonic.

Her hand flies to his, stopping him as she tilts her head back. Her eyes are bright, glinting mischievously as she asks sultrily,  “Now where’s the fun in that?”

“River, River, River,”  he whispers low in her ear.  “You bad, bad girl.”

“You like it,”  she whispers back.

“Never said I didn’ t,” he retorts, thrusting his fingers harder against her in counterpart to how he moves his hips. 

She marvels at how quickly her husband can switch from clumsy giraffe to having enough coordination to stimulate her at  four different places on her body. His mouth continues to suck at the skin on her neck and his hand had dived under her shirt at some point to roll her nipple between two fingers.

As amazing as this feels, River can’t help but groan in frustration. She wants him  _now_ , damn all this teasing and foreplay.

Her hand reaches  behind her, wedging itself in between their bodies as her fingers stroke over the bulge in his trousers in teasingly. The angle makes her arm ache but she manages, and is rewarded with a little groan in her neck. 

“Sweetie, get inside me,”  she mutters urgently, panting a little.

“Not yet,”  he whispers against her hair, and he watches is fascination as sweat beads across her forehead.  “Come for me first, River. ”

“Doctor -”  she starts in frustration but she abruptly cuts off when he pushes another finger inside her.

“Be a good girl, River,”  he continues whispering.  “Come for me. Then I’ll give you what you want - what you  _need._ ”

“Doctor, Doctor, _please_ - ” 

“How long has it been since we’ve done this for you?”  He asks, his fingers thrusting harder against her.

“F-f-”  for a moment the Doctor thinks that River is just starting to curse, and he increases the pace of his hand - he doesn’t want to make River angry, not  _really_ , anyway. Then she stutters out,  “Five weeks.”

“So long,”  he mutters in her ear.  “So long for you to go without this, eh? You must want it so desperately, don’t you, my dirty little girl?”  His voice is hypnotising and she feels her stomach tighten with desire and the familiar waves of release looms just out of reach.  “ River, I’ll give it to you exactly the way you like it. You just need to do one thing for me, dear - _come_. ”

No sooner as the word escapes his lips does she find her release, her muscles clenching around his fingers  as his lips press against her temple. She lets out a loud moan as she does, panting breathlessly and sagging against her arms.

He withdraws his hand from under her skirt and presses his head into his shoulder, unable to hide the grin that takes over  his face as they both catch their breaths. She turns to him, giving him a soft smile as she leans in closer and presses a tender kiss onto his lips. She pulls back but not away, and she runs a finger over his bottom lip as she confesses quietly,  “I’ve missed you too, Doctor.”

He smiles a little against her finger, kissing the pad of her thumb softly. He leans into her a little, resting his forehead against hers. Quiet moments with River happen so rarely that he finds himself now, almost a century into thei r marriage, purposely creating little tender moments with her. It’s  just one more thing to look forward to every time he sees his wife. 

The moment is interrupted almost immediately by the shrill ringing of the telephone. They both sigh quietly, but as sh e goes to pick up the phone his arm darts out to block her path. His hand curls around hers, grasping it tightly.

“Let it ring,”he whispers, his mouth once again trailing over the side of her neck.  “Please, just this once. They can call back later.”

“Hmm,”  she says idly, turning to face him. The shrill ringing of the telephone is almost at the back of her mind as she lets her fingers trail up his chest and asks playfully,  “And whatever shall we do till then?”

He gives her a happy smile, dropping his lips to plant kisses along her cheeks.  “I believe I promised you something,”he says.

River raises her eyebrows.  “Well? I’m waiting.”

He fixes her with a look that makes her bite her lip in anticipation. She isn’t disappointed when he easily lifts her  onto the desk, removes her knickers and tosses them aside carelessly. She briefly wonders if her husband has a thing for throwing her clothing around her office - she can’t remember the last time he’s been quite so passionate while they were in the Tardis. He parts her legs and stands in between them as she unbuttons his shirt quickly, pushing them off his shoulders and throwing them aside. She accidentally knocks a stack of papers and the still-ringing telephone off the desk but she doesn’t seem too concerned about that. 

He pushes her back onto the desk and tugs her skirt further up her hips, caressing her bare skin softly. He pulls back and makes quick work of his belt and trousers, letting them pool on the floor as he steps forward again. One hand keeps a hard hold on her hips as the other reaches up towards her face, brushing golden curls out of her eyes gently.

He looks down at her, letting his eyes roam over his wife’s beautiful frame, taking in every detail just in case two months turn into years. He memorises the way she bites her lip while she waits, the way her eyes are dark with arousal and somehow still bright with anticipation. The way her hands remain obediently by her side as if she knows he needs to touch her without distractions. The way sh e breathes deeply as she lets him look, the way her curls create a halo around her head as she stares up at him.

“Gorgeous,”  he mutters softly, sliding into her slowly. He takes one of her hands and grasps it tightly in his, bringing the back of her palm  to his lips as his other hand holds her steady against the table.  “So gorgeous, River. I don’t tell you that enough.”

He starts rocking against hers slowly, watching as she gasps and her mouth falls open in pleasure.  

“You tell me plenty of times, Doctor.”  She says breathlessly, her free hand reaching over her head to curl around the edge of the desk. 

“Not. Enough.”  He punctuates each word with a hard thrust, enjoying the way more moans escape her lips.  “Not  _nearly_ enough. ”

She lets her eyes fall shut  as he whispers to her, half-mindless ramblings about how beautiful she looks spread out across the desk like this. A small smile appears on her face as she listens to him talk, listens to way he speaks to her as if he just can’t stop the words from spilling from his mouth, as though he’s been waiting for so long to say this and now he’s finally got the chance. 

She wraps her legs around his waist tightly, knowing he enjoys the way her stilettos dig into his back. It’s thrilling to know that someone could just barge in without knocking and be greeted by the sight of his bare arse, her heels around his back. They’ve done this before,  countless times for her, but the little rush of adrenaline that comes with the possibility of someone walking in on them has only ever served to make her release that much stronger.

She moans a little louder - just the thought of someone seeing them like this causes a little flutter of excitement deep inside her. She lets her head fall back against the hard wood and wonders what she’ll have to do to have him take her against the bookcase next. As if sensing her thoughts, the Doctor growls a little and starts thrusting harder, faster against her. He’s still holding her hand tightly, their fingers interlocked and resting beside her head as he leans over her.  

She tilts her head and sees the jar of red pens rattling against the Doctor's thrusts, teetering dangerously close to the edge. She mindlessly registers that it's the seventh one he'll have broken when it falls, and that she  should probably get a jar that isn't made of glass but she can't deny the thrill she gets when she writes in her diary later on: ' _The Doctor fucked me so hard on the table I had to replace all the glass jars I got - again.'_

“River,”  he gasps, and her eyes snap back to his.  “River, come for me again.”

And god _damn_ she hates this bastard because he knows  _exactly_ how to push her buttons, exactly how to work her so thoroughly, exactly how to wear down the self-restraint that she so prides herself on - and he does  it so  _easily_ , as if it's no more than a routine he performs on a daily basis.

What's even more embarrassing is that she  _loves_ it. She loves that he's the only man in the universe that could ever have the power to make her a stuttering, sweaty mess while  she's still mostly clothed. She loves that he shows up out of the blue, takes one look at her and decides that he _wants_ her , just like that. She loves that he can't help but touch her like this, that he wants her too much to be able to resist himself. Oh yes, she loves her husband, but  _oh_ how she hates him right now too.

"No you don't," he whispers against her ear. 

She lets out a loud cry as his fingers dive under her skirt to rub at her clit roughly. He tilts his hips just so as he thrusts and River feels her toes curl as she arcs her back and lets out a long, loud cry. Her hand circles around and  grasps the back of his neck to push his head down. She captures his lips in a messy kiss as they both come, his hips stuttering into hers. They gasp and sigh into each other’s mouth, breathing the other in as much as they can as  white-hot pleasure grips them. 

Their kiss turns slow, their lips parting and meeting again as they attempt to catch their breaths. There’s a small, satisfied smile on her face and he knows that although he’s in a lot of trouble for interrupting an important call he isn’t going to be paying for it for a long while - and who knows, he might even enjoy his punishment.  

He drops his forehead against hers, pressing a small kiss to the apple of her cheeks as he whispers breathlessly, “Hi honey, I’m home.” 

She lets out a throaty laugh and shakes her head, her eyes shining brightly. His hands reach up to cup her cheek as he presses his lips firmly to hers, kissing her as thoroughly as he can. She lean s into the kiss, throwing her arms around his neck and sighing happily into his mouth. 

When they part, she smiles even wider as he waits for her to greet him as she always does, because two months without hearing her say those words - two months without  hearing her say anything at all is two months too long.

“ Hello, sweetie.”

His world is right again.

*

He hates telephones. Honestly, how could one little object be so _intrusive_? He isn ’t even asking for much - he just wants to be free to kiss River for more than three seconds before that blasted thing interrupts them again. Doesn’t the universe recognise his immense need to make the most of the time he has left with his wife? 

The shrill ringing of the bloody thing interrupts them again and he pulls awa y from River with a frustrated groan. She lets out a small giggle and hides her face in his neck.

“I really should get that,”  she says into his skin, pushing his shoulders away and hopping off the desk.

“Not if I get it first!” The Doctor yells, diving down onto the floor where they’d knocked down the telephone. 

River swivels, but she only manages a panicked,  “Doctor, don’t you  _dare_ -” before he lifts the phone off the receiver and presses it into his ear.

“Professor Song isn’t available right now and  she won’t be for a few more days -”

“Doctor, you  give me that phone _right now_ - ”

“\- a few weeks if I’ m lucky. Though I guess with a time machine, it really doesn’t make much of a difference -”

“You won’t be available for the _rest_ of your _life_ if you do  not _give me that phone_ , Doctor, I swear -” 

“\- She’ll call you when she comes back from her 97th honeymoon. Or better yet, she’ll send postcards! Who doesn’t like a lovely postcard - ”

“I will do  _no such thing_ - ”

“\- Complete with a personal message -  ‘ _Bonjour from 21st century Paris!_ ’ \- though we  _did_ do Paris for our last honeymoon too. Nothing like dancing with the wife to  _My Cherie Amour_ by the River Seine, eh? ”

“Doctor! For heaven’s sake,  _stop talking_! ”

“Anyway, signed! Sealed! Delivered! It’s yours! I might be mixing up some Stevie songs now. He has so  _many_ , how do people even keep track -”

“River is that - is that _me_?  Am I with you, _right now_? ” 

The Doctor freezes, his arm outstretched against River’s chest to stop her from snatching the phone away.  In his moment of hesitation, River grabs the phone by the mouthpiece and yanks it from the Doctor’s grip, giving him a hard glare for good measure. He stares at the phone, now in River’s hand, the one that somehow has  _his voice_ coming from the other end as well, and then he fixes his gaze on River.

“That’s me!”  He mouths, gesturing towards the telephone. 

“River, what’s happening? Is that _really_ me?” The Doctor on the phone asks, and River can almost picture his  wide-eyed gaze as he continues,  “And did he say  _honeymoon_? Blimey, 97 honeymoons, you do get around a lot don’ t you?”

Now that the phone is actually in her hands, River finds that she doesn’t know what to say to the Doctor who hasn’t done it all with her yet. She turns to face her husband and asks hurriedly,  “Quickly, Doctor, do you remember what I said to you?”

But the Doctor just looks at her with wide eyes and shrugs a little helplessly as he says,  “I don’t even remember ever calling you by the Tardis -”

“Oh well, that settles it then,”she presses the phone to her ear, a smile of her face as she rounds her desk and pulls a drawer out. She takes a tube of lipstick out and uncaps it, applying it across her lips as she speaks into  the phone.  “Doctor, why are you calling?”

“Because I was -”  the Doctor on the other end of the line cuts off abruptly and River raises her eyebrows at the one in front of her.  “Well, I was worried.”He finally admits, and River’s expression softens inexplicably.  “You sounded unwell, so I thought it best to check on you.”

“Oh Doctor,”  River sighs into the phone, shaking her head even as a fond smile lights her face.  “You should know by now that I can handle myself.”

"So you're - you’re okay?" He asks. 

"Y es."

"And he - the other me, I mean - he's taking care of you?"

" _Yes_ ."

"Alrighty then." There's a brief pause on the phone and River can sense the hesitation in her not-yet husband. "I guess I'll just... leave, shall I?"

" _Leave_?" River repeats. She nar rows her eyes and looks at the Doctor, the one standing right beside her. "Doctor, do you mean to tell me you're _here_? As in, there's more than one of you here _right now_?"  

"Er - I may have just -" The Doctor on the line sighs and explains, "Well, you wouldn’t answer your phone so I got even more worried. And the Tardis was only too happy to help me trace your coordinates, so I just... followed where it led."

"Doctor, where are you right now?"

"In the Tardis."

"And where is the Tardis?"

A pause. 

" Outside your office?"

River sighs, in frustration this time, and stalks over to her office door, a hand out to turn the handle when the Doctor suddenly calls out, "River, wait!"

"What?" she asks, swivelling around.  

"Your shirt - are you really going to -" he gestures to her button-up. The top three buttons are undone and the rest are hastily buttoned, giving him a perfect view of her cleavage. 

"Wouldn't be the first time you'll see more than you're supposed to." River smirks at him, wrenching the doorknob open before her husband can protest even further.  

Sure enough, in the otherwise quiet hallways of the university there sits a blue police box. River runs her hands over the blue doors in greeting, muttering a quick apology before she barges into the  place and grabs the Doctor by the wrist.

"River! How nice to see you. In the university. Where I know you work. Outside your office. It was a mistake, really, I can just... take off now and he'll - I'll - be none the wiser." The Doctor babbles, but River pays no attention to him. She stalks out of the Tardis and back into her office, where a half-dressed Doctor is examining the tube of lipstick with a close eye.

“Sorry about the mess,” River says, completely unapologetically. The fully dressed Doctor raises his eyebrows at the papers, files and other assorted knick knacks scattered around the table. He takes in the state of both River’s and his future self’s undress and he flushes, swallowing as he stares at the table. He can see the white marks made across the brown wood and he can almost see it in his mind, the way River’s nails pierce against the mahogany as she throws her head back and moans. 

“River,”  her husband sighs exasperatedly, jerking the younger Doctor out of his thoughts.  “Can’t you find some  other way to poison my past self  _without_ kissing him?”

The Doctor’s wrist twists in her grasp and for a moment River thinks that he’s pulling away but he yanks her closer, his eyes lit up in delight as he asks,  “You’re going to kiss me again?”

River tilts her head at the eager Doctor, her eyes moving over his chin and his forehead, his eyes shining with hope as he looks at her - and oh, she’s rarely seen him so  _young_ , but when she does he always has his guard up around her that she feels that her presence is very unwelcome within his vicinity. She hasn’t seen him this young and still eager to be with her in a very, very long time, and a little nostalgic smile steals across her face as an idea forms and she looks at her husband, lounging in her chair behi nd her desk.

“Oh, I’ m going to do more than that, my love. Just you wait.”

“River!”  The Doctor lounging on the chair says, a little indignantly. Both heads swivel to face him and he glares at his wife, looking pointedly at her as he says,  “A word,  please.”

River narrows her eyes at him and lets go of the younger version, raising her eyebrows in silent question as she approaches him. 

“What are you doing?” He asks, eyes wide.  “You can’t just -  _sleep_ with him here, don’ t you remember that this is the first time  _ I’ve _done this here - ”

“This is the first time you  _remember_ doing this with me here, ”  River corrects. She shakes her head.  “Doctor, you can’t be serious. He’s  _you_. Why are you jealous? ”

“He isn’t me!”  The Doctor sighs in frustration, running fingers through his hair.  “Well, not yet, anyway. He hasn’t - he hasn’t  _done_ things with you before River, look at him. He’s barely even nine hundred years old!”

“Uh - I’m nine hundred and ten, actually,”  the younger Doctor’s voice rings out. 

The Doctor turns his head to glare at his other self while River looks at him with a little smile on her face - oh, he’s nearing that age now. He has so much ahead of him, so much time and so many adventures, and River can’t help but miss when the roles were reversed. When  _she_ was the one with so much time ahead of her, with all those memories to make and adventures to go on. No matter how well the Doctor lies to her, there is no denying the sad smile in his eyes the more she sees an older  him. 

“He has time.”  Her husband whispers to her, quietly, making sure they aren’t overheard.  “He has so much time ahead of him, River and I - I don’t.”  He knows he sounds jealous and selfish, but deep down he’s always been that way about River. He  isn’t willing to share her, especially not with his younger self who has all that time and adventure and  _love_ ahead of him. He only has that much left.  “Just kiss him and send him home, River. I still want to go on that honeymoon, you know.”

“Or,”  she leans in close, her lips not quite brushing his as she whispers,  “We could stay right here.”  She trails the pads of her fingers along his bare chest, a naughty twinkle in her eye that makes his own irises darken.  “I get to keep you both and  _you_ ,”  her nails scratch against his skin and the Doctor feels the sudden desire to feel them dig into his back the way she’s done a million times before, on occasions when they were particularly passionate.  “You get to stay, right here. For as long as you want.”  She tilts h er head at him.  “Until you get bored of me.”

“Who could ever get bored of you, River Song?”  He asks, completely entranced by the way she smiles at him. It never ceases to amaze him. He leans down to kiss her but she places her hand on his chest.

“Hallucinogenic lipstick,”  she reminds him.  “Don’t want to poison the wrong you.”

But the Doctor leans in anyway, capturing her lips with his, tongue probing her hers gently until she moans, low in her throat. He pulls away and for a moment River looks horrified.

“Started carrying the antidote ages ago,”  he says, reaching into his pocket and showing her a grape-tinted lip balm. River raises her eyebrows in amusement, reaching for it but the Doctor safely tucks it back into his pocket.  “That’s the only one I have  left. The shop stopped making them centuries ago and the planet no longer exists.”

“Doctor, you have a  _time machine._ ”

“And what do you want me to do, cross my own timeline? I’m not that stupid, River. ”

River looks pointedly at his younger self, now sifting through an archaeology book and muttering  ‘wrong’  as he turns the pages. 

“That’s different!”  The Doctor defends himself.  “I don’t  _remember_ doing any of this!”

“Exactly,”she says, her eyes brightening.  “We can use this to our advantage, Doctor, think about it. Two of you, one of me, the whole office to ourselves,”  the corners of her mouth tilt upwards in a smirk as she continues,  “And all the time in the universe.”

The Doctor finally catches her meaning that time, she knows, because his eyes darken even further as he stares at her and he lowers his voice again as he growls,  “River Song, you bad, bad girl.”

She lets a tinkle of laughter escape her lips as she turns and walks towards the younger Doctor, turning her head over her shoulder and telling him,  “You were wrong earlier.”

A crinkle appears in the older Doctor’s forehead.  “About what?”

“It isn’t my 97th honeymoon - it’s my hundredth.”  She says, and she tugs on the younger Doctor’s elbow. The way he drops the book and follows her like he’s under  a spell makes the older Doctor  smirk knowingly because  _oh_ , he’s been there. And if he’s completely honest with himself, he still is.  “And that deserves a  _special_ kind of celebration, don’t you think, Doctor?”

She leads him to the table, pushing him up against it and winking at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her husband’s eyes fixed on her as well, and she smiles a little  because it feels just so  _good_ to be able to hold both of the Doctor’ s attention at once. 

“What did you have in mind?”  They both ask at the same time, and River smirks. 

She looks at the two of them - oh, she’s  _dreamt_ about this moment more times than she could count. Dreaming about two mouths kissing up her body instead of one, four hands burning trails of his touch instead of two. The thought makes River clench her thighs together, and she catches her bottom lip between her teeth as she thinks about all the times she’s thought of having two of him at once. 

Her smirk widens.  “The mind races.”

**Author's Note:**

> AND THEN THEY BANG


End file.
